A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] - Races

  • Published on Dec 7, 2019
  • Joseph makes a dumb Dungeons and Dragons guide for dumb people
    Download: mega.nz/#!s5RAmS6D!USG3zCcZ_FPMFm1Z0wqwSFrHYsNK9mClMdVmCayr42U
    Instrumental: mega.nz/#!xsBCgYob!v5MbdnmkL3rmqyZPcdVRoAF4NTnhQJtGMsFd0cfOaBw
    Huge thanks to the Guest Artists for helping with this episode:
    Adan - thexvid.com/channel/UCCDWmgX1kc_tEXOd0OJmF_Q
    Blaine Simple - thexvid.com/channel/UC7Je57UJURMIx6lrXr3zO4g
    Art sources:
    Lyrics in pinned comments
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Comments • 6 784

  • JoCat
    JoCat  Month ago +10269

    Download: mega.nz/#!s5RAmS6D!USG3zCcZ_FPMFm1Z0wqwSFrHYsNK9mClMdVmCayr42U
    Instrumental: mega.nz/#!xsBCgYob!v5MbdnmkL3rmqyZPcdVRoAF4NTnhQJtGMsFd0cfOaBw
    So you picked your class, hold onto your ass its gonna get crass cause RACE - part of the role you can play, some sentient clay, a he she or they,
    a beast who gets real snarly, and regular chill dude named charlie, if homebrew's free, a big talking tree, welcome to a crap guide to D&D

    Aarakocra - a big fuckin bird, you got some wings so you can fly,
    and if non-weapon melee is preferred they get sharp talons to bitch scratch a guy.

    or maybe you're more of an Aasimar - still avian if you lower the bar
    angelic people with radiant energy or darkness if you flap your wings edgily

    Bugbears arent actually bears at all, more like beastly orcs, and just as tall,
    but oddly sneaky and your arms are long, so you're really freakin good at playing basketball

    but if going full beast is a little too far, you could always do half and decide to be a centaur,
    charging at the enemy so they cant readily get steadily back up while you stomp on them deadily

    for sneaky bunch, the changeling is cool - you make disguise kits a worthless tool,
    you can change your face to whatever race there's nearly no limit on who you can fool

    Dragonborn - no not the skyrim kind - are likely the kid of a bard that'll find
    dragons really hot, so now you shoot acid, or whatever other color your parent's prefered ass is

    The typical Dwarf with a beautiful beard, you work with your hands, and are physically sturdy,
    you seem informed about rocks which is weird, try not to obsess or the sesh'll get wordy

    Elves - are pompous pricks, a dozen flavors to match and mix.
    they live a long time, dont sleep instead trance. and are hard to be charmed, so bards keep it in your pants

    pick a Firbolg to be achill-ass cow, most of which have a druidic vow,
    and dont ask how but they can turn invisible, which is a big concern

    Genasi elemental genie bastards, one of four elements that they have mastered
    in some way that lets them do cool shit , like water bend or have a fire breathing armpit

    Githyanki and githzerai, elves that look like they wanna die.
    All they’re about is how they clash. Been around 40 years and their lore's still trash.

    Shortstack - Gnome happy short folk, who are smart and wise and cunning and know how to
    crack into good camouflage, be it sneaking or magic or cool roguish montage

    WACK is the goblin, small size hits hard on your noggin,
    their nimbleness makes it hard to keep pace, they'll hide, and bide, quick slide, and hit your face

    Muscles are in, though i've bias, so the hottest imo is Goliaths.
    They're 8 feet tall, have steel for their balls, and can shrug off damage like one man riots

    Half-Elf the mutts and mules of D&D extra points to spend on two abilities
    and skills out the ass, it's the best of both races, and backstories usually from stupid places

    Half-Orc - like I said, muscles are in - you're a ruthless brute who fights to win,
    your crits get crits, you can terrify, and if you feel like it you can say "NO" to when you die

    if your luck is nasty, the Halfling is good - you reroll ones and win like you should,
    and you're hard to scare, so go party with a dragon, and you can slip through if it's angry off the flagon

    Humans get a little bit of everything, they lack gimmicks or special flair or any zing,
    but are all around average you know how it is, and the perfect pick if you're boring
    Races, all the races X2
    There's plenty to choose from
    too many so come
    witness the list of this guide to all of the
    Races (races) all the races

    Hobgoblin, they trust in a code, be it gods or communism or a giant toad,
    and they’re a prideful chode, so whenever you fail, the more watch you retry means you go beast mode

    If you’re an edgy avian, Kenku’s sneaky, agile and crafty and can easily lie,
    they can mimic voices to be a bit cheeky, too bad they get bullied because they cant fly

    The Kobold is a mischievous one, they hate bright light and there’s often more than one,
    they can trick dumb fools, then steal their jewels, but ganging up together can be pretty fun

    Guess it’s the scaly hour cause Lizardfolk have sticks up their ass and cant take a joke,
    they can bite and craft and stay a while under water, and have hard-ass scales to block canonfodder

    Loxodon are straight up elephants, their large size & thick hide make them dense,
    got trunks to smell and are wise and mostly merry but piss one off and you’ll see they’re damn scary
    Wanna breath underwater? Locathah is a fish, a straight up fish, literally just a fish,
    your armor starts high, and get tons of resistance, stay dry and you die, you’re still just a fish.
    Big Beastly Bull is the Minotaur, got horns to charge if you run pretty far,
    make them shit their pants while you’re at it, being big and scary is a habit, speaking of,
    Orcs, superstitious and strong, but also often wrong with a minus 2 to int,
    that’s okay so to say you’re aggressive and massive, got angry parents means they’re rarely passive
    Cat girls rejoice, Tabaxi is here - obsessed with stuff and quite the sightseer,
    fast like a cat, get claws and climb far, tons of coats like leopard and tiger and jaguar
    Tiefling is a demon with a lot of looks, they’re horny and hot and often a provoker,
    in the lore anyway a of lot of hate, it’s normal I guess when youre a panties soaker
    If you wanna be big and reptilian, who’s strong and hardy, then Tortle,
    has a shell that’s AC is a million, so have fun being a hermit immortal
    Triton is just an aquatic elf who evolved itself in t he continental shelf,
    and you’re basically aquaman, fish can understand you, NO they won't do your laundry just cause you demand to
    The Verdin is like a goblin but pretentious, mind powers that’d make mystics contentious,
    and a buncha passive shit, what is this peace hour? Come back and talk to me when you learn real power.
    Yuan-ti Pureblood like humans but snakey, never make a date with one, I hear they’re real flakey.
    Manipulative bunch, with magic resistance, don't take their oral offer, no matter their persistence
    Spirit Human mix is the Kalashtar, got a lotta mind shit that’s really bizarre, like
    telepathy, dream protectively, like angels if they couldn't be effectively
    The Shifter’s like a half lycanthrope, with four different types with exclusive features,
    you can't transform at least not fully, so you’ll often look more like a freakish creature

    Simic Hybrids are random fusions of aquatic things like a squid or a crab,
    and gain bonuses depending which ones, so have some big pincers for new ways to stab

    Warforged - robots forged for war, dont have to eat or sleep or breath and what’s more
    is you’re tanky as well, being hard as steel, the only downside is you’ll never truly feel.

    Vedalken tells us nobody’s perfect, look like na-vi people without the long neck,
    they get lots of bonuses to smarts not shocking, good luck ever getting one to stop talking

    And that’s the lot, and always remember class race importance is pretty seldom

    Use whatever you fancy, make a chubby fighter dancy, now you know how to pick your race, you’re welcome

  • Hunter Powers
    Hunter Powers 9 hours ago

    Bear if you can see this then hi.

  • Donny Dark
    Donny Dark 11 hours ago

    Holy fuck that was AWESOME 😎

  • knyle 64
    knyle 64 13 hours ago

    Are most of these homebrew or can you find them online or in a book

  • Someone404
    Someone404 16 hours ago

    I can tell how hard it was to pronounce Githzerai

  • Cyanic
    Cyanic 21 hour ago

    wigglercat: disses humans for being average and boring
    Variant Humans: *hold my customization*

  • Leasagna
    Leasagna 21 hour ago

    where all my half orc barbarian bois at

  • Old Grumpy Bear
    Old Grumpy Bear 21 hour ago

    I'd love to see all these characters animated in an adventure. Need some bardXpaladin action.

  • Person that is named Frank

    Why did he say human before hobgoblin. U comes after O.

  • Jose Adrian Martinez Villegas

    Press like if you noticed the furry joke not told

  • Andrew Sawyer
    Andrew Sawyer Day ago


  • Permit Hurple
    Permit Hurple Day ago

    The dragonborn section is soooooooooooo wrong. Dragonborn are their own races and they DONT have tails. Anyone else notice this????

  • Thunder Muffin
    Thunder Muffin Day ago

    Absolute bop

  • Umbreon Umbrage
    Umbreon Umbrage 2 days ago

    He has a video where he made a joke along the lines of “ you say a magical yo mama joke and you appointment takes psychic damage “ what video was that if anyone know

    • Satan
      Satan Day ago

      Sounds like something a bard would do

  • Sound Glave
    Sound Glave 2 days ago

    A rap guide to dnd

  • Xeno794
    Xeno794 2 days ago

    Snom tho

  • Joshua Fogg
    Joshua Fogg 2 days ago

    Fey Corgi.

  • The Gentleman
    The Gentleman 2 days ago

    I am deeply attracted to the dwarf and am trying to decipher if that means I'm straight or not

    • Giorgio Falà
      Giorgio Falà Day ago +1

      It's normal to be attracted to a beautiful beard. It's all ok, don't sweat it.

  • Ethan Silver
    Ethan Silver 2 days ago

    this music is so fucking sexy

  • Nicolas Bernard
    Nicolas Bernard 2 days ago

    Finally a song as catchy than informal

  • Blake Brown
    Blake Brown 2 days ago

    You put in lolcantha but not the grung?
    Sad times....

  • Akumu San
    Akumu San 3 days ago

    The beat reminds me of Bo Burnham lol

  • DoomsArbiter
    DoomsArbiter 3 days ago

    My bruh not to cramp yo style but you forgot grung little frog dudes

  • Quinn D. Silvers
    Quinn D. Silvers 3 days ago

    I'm amazed that you could make a song about all the races! So crazy!!

  • TheRamenShamen
    TheRamenShamen 3 days ago

    Hey I am not a dumb people

  • Doc Longwell
    Doc Longwell 4 days ago

    Holy Crap Dude! This was insane. I always liked these videos.... But this was amazing

  • Chaos gamer 1_p
    Chaos gamer 1_p 4 days ago +2

    Elves are papa's pricks a dozen flavors to match and mix,can his rhymes get any better and true

  • niteliniN
    niteliniN 4 days ago

    After seeing all this I'm decided, I'll Play a sexy Barbarian/Sorcerer Gobling next time I'm playing D&D. Just hope the DM isn't a dick.
    Fireball till spell slots run out and then rage like there's no tomorrow.

  • Tucker Coolman
    Tucker Coolman 4 days ago

    This is amazing

  • sunbabybull
    sunbabybull 4 days ago

    I know it’s been asked, but how long did it take you to practice for this video?

  • Spooder Memes
    Spooder Memes 5 days ago

    Does he mean half dragon?

  • Cyril Gigee
    Cyril Gigee 5 days ago +1

    Only true Chads play Warforged Warlocks and Kenku Monks.

  • Games'N'Things
    Games'N'Things 5 days ago

    Nice Bo Burnham Remix

  • Thresher MAW
    Thresher MAW 5 days ago

    I wonder, what ever happened to gnolls?

    • Collin Buckman
      Collin Buckman Day ago +1

      Not playable in 5e afaik. Volo's Guide to Monsters gives information on them as a race, and statblocks fore enemy Gnolls, but doesn't provide any playable stats (only providing player stats for Bugbears, Goblins, Hobgoblins, Kobolds, Orcs, and Yuan-Ti Purebloods)

  • Xayte
    Xayte 5 days ago

    Hey, Humans aint boring. Its one thing to kill an immortal dark lord when your race births naturally good archers who can all do magic and are good at everything. Its another thing to do so when your species only gimmick is that youre slightly above average at farming.

  • bodki malone
    bodki malone 5 days ago

    What class and don't say rogue...with changeling

  • Cyrus Earthdrake
    Cyrus Earthdrake 5 days ago

    I play as a Gnoll Wizard

  • Ammon Ohai
    Ammon Ohai 6 days ago

    I return here every so often. Just to rejuvenate ya know?

  • Death_Defying
    Death_Defying 6 days ago

    Killed it.

  • Montgomery Urrutia
    Montgomery Urrutia 6 days ago

    A crap guide to blood hunter?

  • Danny Hayek
    Danny Hayek 6 days ago

    Years of talking fast has finally prepared you.

  • Riley Gobin
    Riley Gobin 6 days ago

    Subbed after that intro man. Absolute amazing

  • The Animator Of Animation

    Raaciiiiists, all the raaciiiiists

  • Peter Stamerra
    Peter Stamerra 7 days ago

    This song convinced me to try more exotic races. Good job!

  • Gabe Pickens
    Gabe Pickens 7 days ago +1

    Just realized that the artificer is missing from the intro sequence

  • Devil Kats
    Devil Kats 7 days ago

    O jesus. I dont know how i feel about my campaign with my tiefling now

  • Vulpix Heat
    Vulpix Heat 7 days ago

    War forged Druid best combo.

    • La Nora Adams-Reed
      La Nora Adams-Reed 2 days ago


    • Vulpix Heat
      Vulpix Heat 4 days ago

      American Eagle yes. It’s also the perfect test to see if your dm is an asshole. Dm: uhh since you are a robot and robots have metal in them you aren’t allowed to use your Druid abilities because druids can’t use metal armor.

    • American Eagle
      American Eagle 4 days ago

      So like Bastion

  • AmalgamatedThought
    AmalgamatedThought 7 days ago

    In this video he rolled Nat 20

  • Mr. Ritter
    Mr. Ritter 7 days ago

    Wait... is that cgp grey?

  • Grimm Reaper
    Grimm Reaper 7 days ago

    What's jojocats race

  • Chromatic Eevee
    Chromatic Eevee 7 days ago +1

    Tabaxi is really cute

  • Dragonpup 290
    Dragonpup 290 8 days ago

    ....there are so many I want to be....

  • Eaglelord 145
    Eaglelord 145 8 days ago +2

    I tried to sing along to this after remembering a few of the lyrics
    It must be Locathah hours because I straight up couldn't breathe

  • jack williams
    jack williams 8 days ago

    Goliath barbarian FTW

  • E Hurd
    E Hurd 8 days ago +1

    Love the strings in the background

  • Erick Alejander
    Erick Alejander 9 days ago +3

    I would like to see a Skyrim version of this. Not only for the races but for the whole thing like class and skill tree.

  • Syth Hargis
    Syth Hargis 9 days ago

    JoCat.. why is the goblin artificer not on the table

  • Elle theNinja
    Elle theNinja 9 days ago

    u can bet ur ass "Regular Dude Charlie" is gonna be an ncp in my campaign 👀

  • Death Strike Gaming
    Death Strike Gaming 10 days ago

    Should do one on the new matt mercer edge lord class

  • Tiva
    Tiva 10 days ago +3

    I was expecting a furry joke with a few of the classes, sadly it never came.