Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

  • Published on Aug 12, 2017
  • This video sees Alain de Botton, Creator of The School of Life and narrator on the majority of our videos, talking at a Google event in London in 2017.
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Comments • 11 505

  • MomochiAsagi
    MomochiAsagi Year ago +23487

    I like to think of it this way: I didn't marry the wrong person, I married a real person. Instead of falling in love with an idea, fall in love with a real human being.



    • ivan widn
      ivan widn 7 days ago

      But worth it.

    • ivan widn
      ivan widn 7 days ago

      @Markus Zgraggen

    • ivan widn
      ivan widn 7 days ago

      It took my partner n I 48 years to understand each other, n to learn to adapt to each other's 'faults'.

    • Markus Zgraggen
      Markus Zgraggen Month ago

      @Thái Nguyễn Quang That makes sense for the time being… but if the other person changes then You may no more match to ‚her‘.

  • The Last Pilot
    The Last Pilot 4 months ago +3917

    I met my wife when she was 15 and I was 16. We married about 3 years latter and she died last year aged 75. We were together for 60 years and I still love her.

    • The Last Pilot
      The Last Pilot Day ago

      @WWCD Thank you.

    • The Last Pilot
      The Last Pilot Day ago

      @life could be a dream Don't talk so silly, I spent years working with computers (real computers and PC's) before retiring.

    • life could be a dream
      life could be a dream Day ago

      I dont believe it. 75 yr olds do not surf the youtube, let alone comment.

    • WWCD
      WWCD Day ago

      I’m so sorry to hear this

    • Michael Schlimm
      Michael Schlimm 2 days ago +1

      That’s awesome. I know a couple that has been together since grade school. I envy them.

  • Rocky P
    Rocky P 4 months ago +1790

    "To be with another person is negotiating imperfections everyday"
    Absolutely brilliant, Alain de Botton

    • Omar Al kayal
      Omar Al kayal Day ago

      that's why we should accept that no one is perfect and instead of hiding a problem work with your partner about it

    • Leotagorax
      Leotagorax 19 days ago +4

      Well... I have more than 10 years with my wife I don't feel like that... I feel we are very emotionally coordinated, but need to adjust movements from time to time... I feel very lucky.
      But Alain is still right, it requires effort... A lot of communication and attention to yourself and the other person. I’m 40, so is not our first try. You learn to love.
      Two other points: I feel satisfied with myself and so does she with herself. And we’ve lived and love each other through many different life situations. So, we have play different roles through these years: living together or separated (and separated again), one working the other not, the other way round, working together in different countries, different groups of friends… if you survive all that changes… I feel I know this person from centuries ago, there is nothing to argue. We don't see perfection or imperfection... we are just coordinated.

    • Dawn Latta
      Dawn Latta 4 months ago +7

      Perfectly stated!

  • Anna Rodriguez
    Anna Rodriguez 4 months ago +2760

    My husband, may he rest in peace, was the most patient and forgiving person I have ever known.
    We married young, but he was mature and I was still acting somewhat like rebellious teen. He understood that my parents were very strict and I had very little freedom to do much. Anyway, he understood that I didn't want to feel like I was being bossed around. When we were just married, the first time I thought he was being bossy I yelled at him that he wasn't my father. He said, You're right. I'm your husband and you have to help me decide what we are going to do now. Wow! That was a surprise! Now, to be very honest that wasn't the only time I was unreasonable, but he was always patient. After a few years I can say that he helped me become mature. I tell people that he finished raising me. God bless him!
    We had children and grandchildren and each other for 36 years. He's been gone 17 years and I still miss him. I was blessed to have him in my life. I wouldn't be who I am without him. God blessed me with a wonderful man who loved me as I was and nurtured me to become a better person.
    Peace and blessings to all!

    • Anna Rodriguez
      Anna Rodriguez 2 days ago

      @Megan Orr Thank you and God bless you for taking the time to send a thoughtful response.
      Peace and blessings!

    • Megan Orr
      Megan Orr 2 days ago +1

      Beautifully reflected. Bless you, sister.

    • reflection in the snow
      reflection in the snow 21 day ago +1

      What you wrote was very beautiful and I am moved by it tremendously. Thank you for sharing it.

    • tendai kozah
      tendai kozah 2 months ago +1

      Wow, u inspired me

    • Laura
      Laura 3 months ago

      @Matthew Lmts lool how??😂

  • teldrah
    teldrah 4 months ago +2103

    Married my best friend and never looked back. Don't marry someone you're primarily sexually attracted to, because that goes away. Marry someone you like because that feeling stays.

    • Syed Raid
      Syed Raid 2 months ago

      @Osiris Ofthesouth dude what? She's my bestfriend. I see her as a sister.

    • S Darby
      S Darby 2 months ago +1

      Don't marry someone you're not sexually attracted to either.

    • Charity Mills
      Charity Mills 3 months ago

      he was my best friend…. and i pushed him away. i’m aware have no one to blame but me. and yes i hate myself for it. i hope everyone is happy

    • Cyber NinJa
      Cyber NinJa 3 months ago +1

      gonna confess to my best friend brb

  • Nabila
    Nabila 4 months ago +727

    "We all think love is just an instinct. No! Love is a skill, and a skill that needs to be learned" - Very well said! Thank you for another fantastic (and insightful) video

    • Sahulian Hooligan
      Sahulian Hooligan 2 months ago +1

      @Bully Maguire I interpreted skill and action as the same thing in that quote

    • Bully Maguire
      Bully Maguire 3 months ago +1

      Love is not a skill, love is action. And doesnt always come with a warm and fuzzy feeling.

    • Charity Mills
      Charity Mills 3 months ago


    • Triga Wastaken
      Triga Wastaken 3 months ago +3

      I'd still say early stages of love and general affection go a lot by instinct, it's just a very different love when it comes to being together for years.

    • Joy Duru
      Joy Duru 4 months ago +2

      Very right

  • Bald Perspective
    Bald Perspective 4 months ago +1016

    1:29 "It is in fact hope that drives rage."
    4:01 "Probably after 10 minutes acquaintance, a stranger will know more about your flaws than you might know over 40 years of life on the planet."
    8:18 "If you keep following your feelings, you will almost certainly make a big mistake."
    11:25 "So love is not just admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness & recognition for ambivalence."
    12:07 "You can't think too much; you can only ever think badly [instead of too much]."
    12:52 "In other words, quite a lot about our early experiences of love are bound up with various kinds of suffering."
    14:57 "We sulk with people who we feel should understand us, & yet, for some reason, decided not to."
    17:17 "No one should accept the whole of us."
    18:29 "You cannot have perfection & company."
    There are some banger-ass quotes in this vid; thanks The School of Life. Have a nice day, everyone!!

    • Cristina Radu
      Cristina Radu 26 days ago

      @Body Builder I think the title is referring to how you will see you married the wrong person if you don't try to put effort into that relationship.

    • Sid Gillespie
      Sid Gillespie Month ago

      @ted.angell I think I have but you could elaborate.

    • ted.angell
      ted.angell Month ago

      @Sid Gillespie I don’t think you’ve followed the nuance of exactly what he said.

    • no day but today
      no day but today 3 months ago +1

      I agree with all of these
      also I just farted lmao

    • Bald Perspective
      Bald Perspective 3 months ago

      @Kraiden Sith I have been there & it sucks lol; when I'm not shit-posting to praise glory to the meme gods, I try to make time-stamp lists/put in good quotes or lyrics in a music video, if somebody else hasn't already.

  • Wesley Hargon
    Wesley Hargon 3 months ago +179

    “Love is a skill.” After nearly two years of marriage, I can assure you this is spot on! Love is a skill that can be learned, but only through patience, humility, and commitment.

    • Desi
      Desi 21 day ago

      Love is a skill!!?

    • Marshmallow Vampire
      Marshmallow Vampire 2 months ago

      I love this

    • Wesley Hargon
      Wesley Hargon 2 months ago +3

      @S Darby You're absolutely right! I aim to be where you are. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. 🙂

    • S Darby
      S Darby 2 months ago +4

      Two years? You're still at the very beginning! It gets challenging and complicated as the years go by. After 23 years of marriage, I realize I still have so much to learn.

  • Standap
    Standap 4 months ago +590

    One word; Communication. The ability to communicate is what changes the dynamic of every relationship.

    • Charity Mills
      Charity Mills 3 months ago


    • Josey Jee
      Josey Jee 3 months ago

      Comprehension is the new C-word I think is even more important to an extent. You can communicate all you want, but if your partner doesn't comprehend what you're saying, your communication is wasted.

    • Standap
      Standap 4 months ago

      @josue Kay A better replacement for the word in this sense would be “banter”. 😅

    • Sariyah
      Sariyah 4 months ago +3

      We communicate. Its action that is the problem

    • Standap
      Standap 4 months ago

      @Claire Cadoux I missed this one Claire. That’s a fact too. 😂 But still, that wouldn’t qualify as good communication. Let’s not miss the point.

  • Karen Marr
    Karen Marr 4 months ago +421

    "Love is a skill to be learned." If we are lucky, we choose partners who help us do this better and better.

    • Mazklassa
      Mazklassa 3 months ago +1

      @Alexander Fretheim thank you for your reply

    • Charity Mills
      Charity Mills 3 months ago


    • Alexander Fretheim
      Alexander Fretheim 4 months ago +1

      And don't forget: love is not just for your spouse. It is the supreme moral and spiritual good, recognized by every religion, to come to love every single person, every single creature, and the universe and life itself, with a humble, kind, unconditional love. A good marriage helps you not only learn to love each other, but learn to love the complete cosmic whole.
      @Mazklassa: It's not artificial, but I can see why you would say that - that love is both natural, in fact our truest nature, and something we must learn is the ultimate paradox. If you truly wish to understand this paradox, I would refer you to the great spiritual doctors of the Catholic Church, especially Saint Francis De Sales, Saint Augustine, Saint Theresa of Avila, Saint Paul & Saint Thomas Aquinas. The writings of any of those great souls will get you started on the journey of coming to truly understand one of the greatest mysteries.

    • Nasim Fatima
      Nasim Fatima 4 months ago

      @Mazklassa Artificial, yet real.

    • Mazklassa
      Mazklassa 4 months ago +3

      I know we're not all the same, and I may be skipping over the point, but the idea of love as a "skill" sounds artificial somewhat.

  • Du the best Lion
    Du the best Lion 4 months ago +308

    Among all the marriage quotes I read, I recall one that is the most impressive. We need to fall in love many times, but always with the same person, the one we married with. Forgive and forget seems to be the golden rule for a long-lasting and blessed marriage.

    • Mr. Cloverfield
      Mr. Cloverfield 4 days ago

      @Esther Mburu Forgiving a cheater can sometimes be more about forgiving yourself than them. When we demonize a behavior it keeps us from understanding the behavior and the role we may have played in fostering it.

    • Esther Mburu
      Esther Mburu 9 days ago

      I think you should also not self sacrifice when forgiving. Like forgiving a cheater

    • Javid Aliyev
      Javid Aliyev 2 months ago

      Exactly thank you for the last sentence

    • Charity Mills
      Charity Mills 3 months ago

      WELL I -💔

    • Tisita Barman
      Tisita Barman 4 months ago +5

      @Du the best Lion really ,it is only possible when your partner is also willing to compromise for the relationship both of you have ,to work

  • Taylor Howard
    Taylor Howard 5 days ago +2

    Even though I have only been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months, this is the “easiest” both of us has been able to communicate with each other. Not that it’s always easy, it, for me, has made me analyze myself and how I function in relationships. I’m glad I didn’t date much because that has really brought out the best in each other. Being in love has confirmed to me that I’m always learning and we can learn and accept each other

  • Tyson Wirth
    Tyson Wirth 3 months ago +59

    This left me both laughing but wanting to discuss with someone. (It wouldn't be a romantic partner as I don't have one... the idea that perfectionism=loneliness hit close to home!) I feel this makes me want to reexamine my whole notion of romantic love. Thank you for sharing!

  • Mike Tarzian
    Mike Tarzian Year ago +5921

    I deliberately looked for a women who was completely different than my parents, and that made all the difference. We were married for 29 years until her body lost the ability to contain her soul.

    • Riley Cook
      Riley Cook Day ago

      Oh boy here come the water works, oh man oh jeez

    • Max Scherzer’s blue eye
      Max Scherzer’s blue eye 4 months ago

      That last sentence…. 😭. Beautiful

    • Hey Silly
      Hey Silly 9 months ago

      I’m so sorry for your loss

    • Z
      Z 10 months ago

      Fascist Mike would not let my reply go thru

    • Z
      Z 10 months ago

      Spare the poor woman that final insult. It didn’t nail her in the coffin nor the head. It’s an anti ballistic that just boomerang back to u. She’s alive n kicking

  • Hollis Ramsey
    Hollis Ramsey 4 months ago +177

    Yes, I married the “wrong” person … and so did he. There were fights, sure, but that’s normal when people live in close quarters. We had a very good marriage for almost 25 years, right up until he died from a heart attack. Now I have wonderful memories of our life as a married couple and absolutely no desire for another partner. I love being on my own. I do what I want, when I want. I eat what I want and sleep when I want. John, for instance, would never have watched this video; I, otoh, love to hear what others think we’ve done wrong - it totally justifies our life choices. I don’t need your justification, but it amuses me to hear how y’all consistently get it wrong. John thinks it a gigantic waste of time, but as he’s dead he has no vote anymore.

    • Sarah Richards Graba
      Sarah Richards Graba 17 days ago +2

      I read all the comments under this original comment and you are amazing. 😂 I love your sense of humor and utter confidence. Thank you for not being a typical comment section on TheXvid lol

    • Mandla Vilakazi
      Mandla Vilakazi 3 months ago

      You sound dreadful. Poor John

    • Max Scherzer’s blue eye
      Max Scherzer’s blue eye 4 months ago

      @Hollis Ramsey John says you’re wrong.

    • Hollis Ramsey
      Hollis Ramsey 4 months ago +1

      @Max Scherzer’s blue eye If I’m wrong, I’ll amend my comment accordingly. I see quite a few comments assuming that John had little to no say in our marriage. And yes, I assumed those comments were from men.

    • Max Scherzer’s blue eye
      Max Scherzer’s blue eye 4 months ago

      @Hollis Ramsey are you assuming my gender?!?

  • highlander2000
    highlander2000 3 months ago +60

    "if you do not explain, you can never be understood."
    Most certainly true! On the same token, I want to talk & verbalize - and actually quite enjoy the experience when I have such an opportunity - but there has to be a similar commitment to listening and at least wanting to understand (even if not successful on that front). It is an absolute joy/relief to me to be able to communicate in such a setting with a loved one or friend.
    I think that's another reason why many are so reluctant to share what's on their mind - realization that you may have at best a distracted and unmotivated partner available to share with. Or one who bears the habit of freely & readily speaking but begrudgingly & unwillingly listening.

  • Pink Gardenia
    Pink Gardenia 4 months ago +197

    Wow. This lecture was excellent. I both laughed and took seriously the wisdom he shared. This lecture’s truisms can be applied to both “romantic” and platonic relationships - basically, with the people in your life.

  • Dulce Caramelo
    Dulce Caramelo 4 months ago +74

    It's helpful to have videos with messages like this to counterbalance the irrealistic far fetched representation of love Hollywood has brainwashed us with through movies and series. It's basically your whole life being brainwashed that everyone has a perfect soulmate, you'll find them one day and feel butterflies, love will occur easily and organically, and you'll understand each other effortlessly because you're a perfect fit. When in reality, finding someone just highly compatible is very hard, attraction and love fades away and trying to maintain it requires work cause it doesn't not happen nor maintains naturally, humans are complex so you'll never really understand someone, and a whole lot of people will not find a partner let alone ever get married. The reason it feels like "settling" when we end up with someone less than what we envisioned for ourselves is because of that idealistic perception of love we've been conditioned to believe in. "So what made you choose your partner? Well, they’re available, they made effort to approach and talk to me, and they showed care in some specific occasions. No I never felt butterflies or fireworks but their interest and commitment made it for me." That's what reality looks like.

    • Marshmallow Vampire
      Marshmallow Vampire 2 months ago

      Yes. The warm and fuzzies is an aspect of a great relationship. A relationship can have it's highs and be mostly smooth, but sadness, anger, or having your loyalty challenged is needed to know how much we really care. Sympathy (paraphrasing what he said) is a huge part of loving someone, and comes from realizing someone needs us and accepting the bad and helping them.

    • Mazklassa
      Mazklassa 4 months ago +7

      Your last sentence...."no I never felt butterflies or fireworks but their interest and commitment made it for me"🤔. How is it that one can be so clinical about it like that?

  • Mohamed Hnini
    Mohamed Hnini 4 years ago +17441

    I have heard about a man who remained unmarried his whole life, and when he was dying, ninety years old, somebody asked him, “You have remained unmarried your whole life, but you have never said what the reason was. Now you are dying, at least quench our curiosity. If there is any secret, now you can tell it, because you are dying; you will be gone. Even if the secret is known, it can’t harm you.”
    The man said, “Yes, there is a secret. It is not that I am against marriage, but I was searching for a perfect woman. I searched and searched, and my whole life slipped by.”
    The inquirer asked, “But upon this big earth, so many millions of people, half of them women, couldn’t you find one perfect woman?”
    A tear rolled down from the eye of the dying man. He said, “Yes, I did find one.”
    The inquirer was absolutely shocked. He said, “Then what happened? Why didn’t you get married?”
    And the old man said, “But the woman was searching for a perfect husband.”
    Osho - The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha

    • Trida Balira
      Trida Balira 2 days ago

      Interesting 🤔

    • Isabellemo91
      Isabellemo91 4 days ago

      My life

    • Michael Nolan
      Michael Nolan 5 days ago

      @Marcia McGrail.

    • Elle S
      Elle S 9 days ago

      ​@Carmen solano no one is perfect is what it meant. If you're looking for perfection, you'll be alone forever.

    • WDP
      WDP 13 days ago

      Deep. Great little story.

  • Georg Voros
    Georg Voros 4 months ago +81

    I've been married for almost 40 years to my soulmate. First we are friends and we can talk about anything. Without open and honest communication we would never have lasted. Everything else after that will fall into place.

    • jeff forsythe
      jeff forsythe 4 months ago +2

      Most marriages are karmic retribution.

  • Xan Peria
    Xan Peria 4 months ago +165

    Everything he said makes sense. I've noticed that many people just expect things to happen and they don't put any effort into their relationships. People should invest into relationships and not just expect it to be perfect 24/7

  • Standap
    Standap 4 months ago +97

    I gave this man a standing ovation in my living room. Such a beautiful teacher.

    • green bean
      green bean 4 months ago +3

      User name checks out :P

  • Dana & Barb Hutchison
    Dana & Barb Hutchison 4 months ago +181

    Just celebrated 50 years of marriage. Both of us married the 'right' person!

    • Just Like That
      Just Like That 22 days ago +2


    • Dana & Barb Hutchison
      Dana & Barb Hutchison 2 months ago

      @Katya - We both try to find the good and kind qualities in people. As far as long term romance and attraction go... as couples grow together, through hardships as well as success... as they mature and experience all that life has to offer... they will grow closer or farther apart. We have been fortunate in our decision making, in our education, in our careers, in raising our three sons and in planning for retirement. We continue to grow closer as we get older... and the romance is still there!

    • Katya
      Katya 2 months ago +2

      That's amazing! What are your thoughts on why so many relationships fail? Also, would you say you still have the same--or a good amount-- of romance? Many say it is unrealistic for any couple to maintain attraction and romance long term. What say you?

    • Anthony Dagher
      Anthony Dagher 4 months ago +8

      @Imran Haque That is not being honest. That is just nonsense, and it is more fitting for that to be said about someone like you.

    • Imran Haque
      Imran Haque 4 months ago +1

      @Anthony Dagher let's be honest he's had his fair share of oxygen

  • ShaggyDawg
    ShaggyDawg 4 months ago +125

    I wish I would have seen this 3 months ago before I left someone who loved me unconditionally. I felt we were “ incompatible”, when it was just me expecting perfection.

    • C NB
      C NB 4 months ago +4

      Trust yourself. You made that choice for a reason. If you have to talk yourself into something, you probably don’t need to do it. The rest of your life is what you promise when you get married. That could be a short time or a really, really long time. Think about how you really want to spend those days.

    • Jessuniverse
      Jessuniverse 4 months ago

      So its pretty much your fault costing "most likely him" a lot of money.

    • The RealMickey
      The RealMickey 4 months ago

      @DO NOT COMPLY I’m not saying just send the video and call it a day lmao if that’s what your taking from what I’m saying then sorry it looks like your MISUNDERSTANDING (key word there) what I’m trying to say

    • The RealMickey
      The RealMickey 4 months ago

      @DO NOT COMPLY dude I’m saying explain first and show after why is it so hard to admit that people are different something that may seem pathetic or easy to you could be extremely hard for someone else

      DO NOT COMPLY 4 months ago +4

      @The RealMickey lol but what’s so difficult about admitting you made a mistake and you love someone… how is this so hard to explain?
      Nah no excuses or easy way out. They ain’t getting someone back by sending a non-personal video 😂 Not someone with any self respect anyway

  • freeradicalpanda
    freeradicalpanda 4 months ago +74

    Every human on the planet needs to see this (and actually listen). This is the most profound and practical analysis of love and related human behaviour I've ever seen.

    • Fred Williams
      Fred Williams 4 months ago +1

      Thanks freeradicalpanda: That is exactly what I was about to say.

  • Pip8448
    Pip8448 4 months ago +70

    As an analytical person who has trouble conveying what I feel with words: I really enjoyed this conversation on how good my marriage is.

  • J_the GammaRae
    J_the GammaRae 4 months ago +21

    This is one of the most enlightening talks on marriage and life that I’ve ever heard. Thank you! 🙏❤️

  • Checco Zalone
    Checco Zalone 4 years ago +3051

    The message is not to not get married, but to accept your imperfection

    • People Health Truth
      People Health Truth Month ago

      @Maryam Ghareeb ..1Cor6.9-10 'Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.'

    • Maryam Ghareeb
      Maryam Ghareeb Month ago

      @People Health Truth you are aware that people get divorced even though god united them

    • jeff forsythe
      jeff forsythe 4 months ago

      Sorry, nonsense. Marriage and giving one's oath are profound states of being.

    • William Rumley
      William Rumley 4 months ago

      Marriage is a social construct. Been there, done that, never will do it again.

    • louisecyphre
      louisecyphre 4 months ago

      ​@shaddowmystwolf Sounds like someone has come down with a little case of a broken heart.......

  • Slender for Good with Dr. Ginny Trierweiler

    I watched this over and over and took so many notes. It was so full of wisdom, could definitely be a whole course.

    • Edward White
      Edward White 4 months ago

      Hi Slender, it’s nice meeting you here.. I’m Edward, it would be nice getting to know you,if that’s ok with you? My mom once said good friends are never too much to have. if you don’t mind, can we be friends??
      Lovely smile you got there on your profile picture😊.

  • Zabiha Faryabi
    Zabiha Faryabi 4 months ago +29

    I’m 31 and my husband and I got married almost 6 years ago after dating for 4 years, we’ve known each other since we were 17. I’ve been obsessed with him since the day I met him and he loves me just as much. We are very happy and can’t get enough of each other 10 years later 💜💜💜 definitely married the right person and the only person I feel like was for me

  • Living MAD
    Living MAD 3 months ago +4

    I wish I'd known some of this when I got married, but I was an average 19 year old who thought I knew it all. I talk about this on my own channel where I share my experiences going through my own divorce after a 13 year marriage. Life can really kick you hard sometimes.

  • featherstone
    featherstone 4 months ago +26

    There is a lot of wisdom conveyed here in 22 minutes, and I would support everything he says on a practical relationship management level. However, those divine gorgeous romantic connections, even if they usually don't last, are something I never want to miss; my life would have been very dull without them. They may be commonly called illusion, but this is a matter of definition. And as some of the comments here confirm, some couples are able to live the romance for years; probably not 24 hours a day, but again and again. They may be a minority, but they exist.
    To me, the art seems to be not to get bogged down by often insignificant day-to-day problems, or by the occasional disappointment that even the best partner can cause.

    • Robin McAra
      Robin McAra 4 months ago +1

      @featherstone I'm actually not sure. I've never really been much of a Queen fan tbh. I've heard one or two song's but mainly down to movie's or radio, that type of thing. I know Radio Gaga, Bohemian Rhapsody and We will Rock you. That's about the extent of my knowledge their, just a bit before my time, I'm 44. I understand what you mean though. I shall also be looking into Freddie Mercury, he was clearly a great musician, singer/ songwriter who has left a huge legacy just like Mozart, "Pac, Bob Marley, Amy Winehouse, Ella Henderson, I could go on but anyone who has made an impact like that I want to study, I'm an aspiring D.j. (more a hobby now) to this day. I've played all the Club's where I live years ago when I was younger. I'm now into property, that's what put's food on the table. It's a legal extra monthly income on top of one's wages so it's a win, win situation for me. A TheXvid channel if given enough view's is also another legal way to make extra money. I'm sure you are aware but you get paid due to the amount of view's you get. Even at 50p a view thats a lot of extra cash for talking about my passion in life, then showing people how to do certain thing's on their own Dj equipment. I have a vast taste in music, which I feel help's people to understand certain issue's or point's of view. If love makes the world go round, which I believe it does. Music can be an expression of all that. Anyone who's made an impact in the world is interesting to me & I try to study them when I have time. I now love Johnny Cash & June Carter because of that, forget Romeo & Juliet, theirs a love story for you. Imagine life being that good, he had his drug issue's but he was able to follow his passion with the woman he loved, does it get any better than that? I'm not talking financial gain for them, their music inspired people & still does til this day, they made people's lives better, I think if your not making other people's life's better then your wasting your time. Sorry that was an essay lol, take care. I've got Covid 19 so I'm stuck in the house, please stay safe at your age. Take care

    • featherstone
      featherstone 4 months ago +1

      @Robin McAra Thank you. Isn't there a song by Queen/Freddy Mercury called something like "Only the good ones die young"? It fits. (So I am a bad one by now...)

    • Robin McAra
      Robin McAra 4 months ago +1

      @featherstone I'm sorry for your loss, from what I know of you so far I'm sure she was an amazing lady. My deepest condolences 🙏

    • Robin McAra
      Robin McAra 4 months ago +1

      @featherstone Hally New tear to you to. All the best for 2022. Let's hope this year's a bit more positive. You take care of yourself. Still Game haha, have you seen it? It's a Scottish comedy show about a group of pentioners who are Still Game. It's hilarious. If you haven't seen it I think you would love it. I know you are right. Age is just a No. Everyday when I wake up I have a chance to get better. Its not over until its over. Thankyou for changing my negative outlook. Take care 🙂

    • featherstone
      featherstone 4 months ago +1

      @Robin McAra Happy New Year to you too. Whether alone, in love, in relationship...

  • Daisy Flowers
    Daisy Flowers 2 years ago +6534

    He is so right. Those of us who have long time marriages, have generally discovered this. We who have been married a long time have come to realize we are married to another human being, with flaws, virtues, strengths, weaknesses, just like we ourselves have. We learned that marriage takes work, and we don't always feel in love, but our marriage isn't just based on how we feel, it's based also on our dedication to making our relationship work.

    • kc centura hemi245
      kc centura hemi245 4 months ago

      @Simran Murti By what you've said you hang around with the wrong kind of people.

    • Anna Rodriguez
      Anna Rodriguez 4 months ago

      @Raquel H Thank you! 😊

    • Anna Rodriguez
      Anna Rodriguez 4 months ago

      @bizmonkey007 I have taught teenage girls and one of the things I tell them is that the fairytale always ends with the happy couple riding off into the sunset to a castle on top of a mountain. I point out that after the wedding and honeymoon everything is uphill from then on.
      Too many couples live together then decide to get married then have a honeymoon. That's like opening your Christmas presents ahead of time and wrapping them up again and expecting to be just as excited as the first time.

    • Erick Lopez
      Erick Lopez 4 months ago

      Bless your heart ❤️ @Daisy flowers

  • Zi Zi
    Zi Zi 4 months ago +22

    18:26 "And the demand of perfection will only lead you to one thing : loneliness"
    Made me realize to compromise more of my partner's flaw. He is a loving person, never cheated, passionate, but has this anxiety disorder that makes him can't handle small stress / arguement easily. We haven't talked for few days now because just of small misunderstanding and he told me I caused him too much stressed. I haven't reached out to him as well since i felt like I've been patience enough to put up with him and I need him to put the same effort too.
    I guess we need time to be apart for a moment to reflect on ourselves. Hope we could find ways out.

    • Glenn Andric
      Glenn Andric 4 months ago +1

      Zi Zi....I read your comment with interest because your partner reminds me of my younger brother. He had difficulty dealing with even minor stressors, was prone to argue rather than problem solve and tended to hold on to resentment in silence. Luckily my sister was/is married to a social worker who dealt with clients with anxiety disorders. This condition was not his fault, he said. It was an illness he could not control. With counselling, hard work and the love of my sister-in-law he is now a changed man. Do you think a chat with your family doctor could be a good first step? I wish both of you the best of luck.

    • UncleTrashero
      UncleTrashero 4 months ago

      it stands to reason that if rage is the backlash of a hopeful person, then anxiety, being just rage thats held in, is also just the passion of the person. what if you already subconsciously realize this. then perhaps their anxiety makes you jealous? that they are more concerned with something else, than they are concerned with you in that moment?
      if you are immediately defensive about that suggestion...................

    • Le Merchelant
      Le Merchelant 4 months ago +4

      Time apart is healthy in any relationship. Take it from me, I was married for 50 long years to a beautiful but tough woman. We married at 16. She passed away a few months ago and I miss her every day. We spent many times apart, because we wouldn’t be able to reconcile our differences like you two, and over the years we learned when the time was right to just take some self reflection. It always worked. The trick is to acknowledge your differences and communicate the solution or compromise well. You can’t go wrong that way.

    • daniel _
      daniel _ 4 months ago +2

      Put in as much effort as you can, if you really love eachother it will work out, i hope it does

  • Golden Griffon
    Golden Griffon Month ago +3

    Alain is a gift to humanity. I'm very grateful our lifetimes have overlapped. Thank you for all you've done!

  • Comelite Kang
    Comelite Kang 4 months ago +9

    Simply Brilliant🤗😍I think my husband treat me so well and with little to no drama in our marriage I’ve started to think there is something wrong with us. In hindsight the turbulent relationship/ marriage my parents had, must be why I’d think a loving, caring marriage is wrong. Thank you for posting, I needed to hear this.

  • Michael Wadsworth
    Michael Wadsworth 4 months ago +6

    This was so brilliantly articulated. Love to you all -- "To love someone is to apply generosity of interpretation."

  • contemplativegirl21
    contemplativegirl21 Year ago +2023

    "We are out to find partners who feel familiar...we are on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar." Jesus, that's insightful. I needed this talk 20 years ago...

    • Glenn Andric
      Glenn Andric 24 days ago

      @StephenC Right on!! I'm with you 100%; you sound more sane than the presenter.

    • Willy Tompkins
      Willy Tompkins 4 months ago +1

      @Elizabeth Diazinteresting divorced a year after my mom's death. Decided l was wasting my life with an absent person. It almost seems like a midlife crisis .

    • feresh-ta l
      feresh-ta l 4 months ago +1

      @Glenn Andric true!

    • Glenn Andric
      Glenn Andric 4 months ago +2

      @feresh-ta l YOU SAID, "aren't we actually looking for someone who fills the space of a 'specific way of love' which our parents couldn't give us"? (YES, I think we are). The speaker's belief that we're looking for a partner who'll make us suffer is "bonkers" in my opinion. All of us have the right to question everything we read or hear, regardless of who said it. (Even Einstein was mistaken on a number of occasions). What are this guy's credentials? Is he expressing "science-based facts" or just his personal opinions? Overall, I thought his talk was useful but I disagreed with some things he said.

    • ka ni
      ka ni 6 months ago

      I thought that was common knowledge

  • Glenn Andric
    Glenn Andric 4 months ago +35

    As the speaker implied, love flows from a situation where two people have found each other to be "good enough".

  • Ines Antonio
    Ines Antonio 4 months ago +38

    My advise is : if the relationship is toxic and abusive get out before you loose yourself in it. And if there is children involved it's another reason to get out as well. Why?? Because the children don't need toxic environment and teach them to be good caring human with empathy and love.

      ANDY VAN KERKHOVE 4 months ago

      toxic relationship... I asked my mother if she knew what it means... never heard of it... but she is married for 65 years...

    • jeff forsythe
      jeff forsythe 4 months ago

      People usually get married because of karmic retribution.

  • SweetChick10101
    SweetChick10101 Month ago +1

    “What we tend to be very bad at is recognizing that anyone we can love is going to be a perplexing mixture of the good and the bad.”

  • Mariluna Beilschmidt
    Mariluna Beilschmidt 4 months ago +41

    "Love is a skill to be learned". As an Asexual /Aromantic, this quote gives me hope that I may not be destined to be forever alone after all. Maybe I just have to try harder. Maybe I have to be braver.

    • Immune garden
      Immune garden 4 months ago

      . only if you let it... Control emotion .. T let it control you...

    • Alexander Fretheim
      Alexander Fretheim 4 months ago

      Honestly desire can be as much a hindrance as a help.

    • Philipp Brogli
      Philipp Brogli 4 months ago

      @Yuzu What a comment.

    • Immune garden
      Immune garden 4 months ago +1

      Maybe your not finding the right person

    • Yuzu
      Yuzu 4 months ago +6

      No. No, that doesn't mean it. I mean, you do you, if a relationship really is what you want, but you could also have some really string friendships. Plus, while love technically has to be learned as in 'How to deal with All of this' it is an Emotion. It is a feeling, and you can talk yourself Into 'being in love' with someone, but it'll never be Real until you experience it by Chance. I never Was in love, really, and was afraid I might be aro, so I tried to talk myself Into loving some people. While I did put them High and did want the best for them, it was not Real love - I know that because then, I Fell in love with my wonderful girlfriend and you cannot compare it.
      Again, do as you wish but please a) be upfront about it b) be Patient, you could also be demiromantic/greyromantic or something, not sayin you aren't valid if you're 100% ace, Just that there might be a Chance and c) romantic love is not the only Kind of love there is. There's also platonic love, and this love can be equally as strong as romantic love.

  • SuperComputer04
    SuperComputer04 Year ago +8698

    Can't marry the wrong person if you never get married.

    • David Shillaker
      David Shillaker 6 days ago


    • J B
      J B 6 days ago

      @Olivier Takemitsu There is no perfect way on this earth (just appreciate what you have)

    • Alexander Fretheim
      Alexander Fretheim 4 months ago +2

      @Vraj Kotwala Sociologically, this is a real concern. If people get too scared of marrying the wrong person, they will in fact never get married and never have kids, and our demographic sunset will continue.

    • Vraj Kotwala
      Vraj Kotwala 4 months ago +1

      What else do you avoid? Crossing roads?

    • Alexander Fretheim
      Alexander Fretheim 4 months ago

      Ever thought about becoming a priest? We need more of them.

  • Disco Rabbit
    Disco Rabbit 4 months ago +12

    “To love is to provide charity and generosity of interpretation.” I like that 👍

  • Storyteller
    Storyteller 4 months ago +11

    Married 33 years. One thing that blew my mind when I was first married was how many times bad arguments boiled down to my husband finally expressing doubt about our love because I hadn't guessed what he was thinking, what he wanted, what he was feeling. What blew (and often still blows) my mind was/is how often I could/can specifically state what I thought about something, what I wanted and how I was feeling and my husband would say (occasionally still says) that he knows better. I keep coming back to the saying, "Can you please listen to the words coming out of my mouth?" Sheesh! I'm your partner. I'm not trying to trick you.

    • Pranay Narvariya
      Pranay Narvariya 13 days ago +1

      "Can you please listen to the words coming out of my mouth?"- that sounds like good advice, Atleast hear them out once...😊😊

  • Huy Tran
    Huy Tran 4 months ago +14

    While I'm not really religious, I found this profoundly more insightful and useful to human behavior and relationships, romantic and otherwise, than any sermon i've ever heard. I've had some realizations of this, however, it has never been articulated so clearly as this.

  • vic m
    vic m 4 months ago +12

    It's true that we tend to do what's comfortable instead of what's good for us. It is also unfair to expect our partners to read our minds when we have such busy lives.

  • Tim
    Tim 10 months ago +3046

    This love thing really isn’t that hard. I have what I feel is an amazing wife. I have also had a long marriage. I try to approach her and everything in my life with humility. I listen before I talk. I apologize when I am wrong. I work on being a better person everyday instead of focusing on what she does wrong. The same goes in my relationship with my kids. I always try to give more than I receive.

    • J B
      J B 6 days ago

      Your way of doing things works for most relationships (work, family, etc.)

    • Adam Burwell
      Adam Burwell 5 months ago

      That is what Jesus did.

    • Marching Forward
      Marching Forward 5 months ago

      Yes I am experiencing your same character from my husband but heaven knows how he does the magic 🤔

    • Monique White
      Monique White 5 months ago

      You’re a real Gem, you’re both lucky to have each other!

    • Ira Greenberg
      Ira Greenberg 5 months ago


  • Jojo Diggs
    Jojo Diggs 4 months ago +28

    This guy is amazingly eloquent and funny while talking about some v challenging and confronting things. Super inspiring!

  • Sneaky Squirrel
    Sneaky Squirrel 4 months ago +33

    "Stick around for the children"
    This is tough, compromise and you lose yourself and your happiness.
    Don't and your children lose out on a 2 parent home and face financial burdens.
    How do you navigate a cheating spouse with this advice? Love isn't always enough

    • Glenn Andric
      Glenn Andric 4 months ago +3

      @Hubert Jasieniecki I enjoyed reading your insightful comments. You should be a marriage counselor, or are you already?:)

    • Hubert Jasieniecki
      Hubert Jasieniecki 4 months ago +16

      I think while there's plenty of wisdom in this talk, it also comes short in many areas (which isn't a terrible thing, it's just a 20 minute talk). Leaving people on a whim, without putting effort in is quite a mistake, but one should absolutely leave a partner who's actually toxic. About cheating I think the real advice is to go to couple therapy which can help a lot, and by help I mean you either gain the ability to love each other and treat them cheating as you would any other mistake or you realize they are a terrible person and leaving them is the best choice. Also, I just want to state the fact: children losing on a 2 parent home is not always that bad, if the 2 parent home in question is going to be awful it will a) set a very ugly pattern for how a relationship should work in the mind of children, b) if the partner is toxic and another is putting up with that, it will set an unhelpful idea that you're supposed to just put up with toxic people and that you should not stand up for yourself or that standing up for yourself is not a thing you can effectively do, which is very destructive, c) if the partner is toxic it's likely to increase their exposure to this toxicity. One fundamental test of whether a partner might be good enough is whether their willing to reflect on their behaviour, learn to understand you better and change themselves for the better, which is all encompassed with whether they are willing to participate in proffessional couple's therapy after something clearly pointing to the need has happened. Cheating definetely counts as such. Just reflect what unwillingness means: "I did cheat on you, but I'm not willing to sit with you and another person one hour a week or so and process it together". The most common objection I believe would be the presence of another person, that might be a signal of a toxic controller type, who has some power over you in your relationship and is unwilling to give this power away, which they will if there's a therapist present, because therapists are very good in spotting that.

  • Bill Sanders
    Bill Sanders 4 months ago +22

    I have always been picky - ie. I have high standards. The one time I deviated from this - took someone's advice - I got married. Worst mistake of my life.
    The speaker said, "the price of perfectionism is loneliness." At times. But I vastly prefer the peace and freedom of living alone to the slavery of marriage.

  • Michanie Blake
    Michanie Blake 3 months ago +4

    "No one should accept the whole of us. We're appalling!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣 He's not wrong 😆

  • Casandra C
    Casandra C 2 years ago +5377

    “Love is not just the admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence”.

  • Strange Miscellaneous Fruit

    they should teach this in the school curriculum. it's incredibly useful and interesting, thank you for sharing this with us :D

  • G Laight
    G Laight 4 months ago +6

    A lot of interesting insights but from a spiritual perspective you always marry the right person. We always create our own workd/life to find what we need to grow and learn life's lessons.
    I'm glad he bought the idea of teaching into this lecture for we will undoubtedly find the people in the world we need to learn from

  • Henry Kujawa
    Henry Kujawa 4 months ago +5

    Fascinating speech. The hilarious thing, for me, is that while I understand what he's saying, virtually NONE of it applies to me, personally. Hmm. This is what happens when life has made you such a TOTAL eccentric that you don't fit into any group, even ones where it seems like you should.

  • Musty Bryce
    Musty Bryce 4 months ago +6

    8:56 - what it is to love
    12: 09 - can't think too much about ones emotions only badly
    15:48 - root to a good marriage and to good love is the ability to become a good teacher
    18:27 - demand for perfection will lead to one thing; loneliness. Cannot have perfection and company. To be in company with another person is to be negotiating imperfection every day.
    19:00 - it is through love that you gradually accept the need to be compatible. Compatibility is an achievement of love.
    19:34 - may not be able to change our types (types that will cause us real problems; too distant, arrogant, likely to torture us in some way and we may be advised to end those relationships. But would that be best?) but may be able to change how one characteristically responds to ones tricky type which would be an incredible achievement.
    19:41 - usually the way we respond to tricky types is formed in early childhood. If we had a distant parent, we've now chosen a distant lover. Children respond to distant parents by attention-seeking, rattling and banging and in adulthood that same response gets in the way and doesn't help, just creates a vicious circle going nowhere.
    20:16 - The nobility of compromise. Nope couldn't pull anyone better but hay ho i could 'a done worse.

  • dramatreasurer
    dramatreasurer 4 years ago +3230

    I'm going to tell my girlfriend that I think she is "a good enough person". I have no doubts she'll feel overwhelmed with flattery.
    Edit Aug 2020: To those asking if we’re still together: Yes, we’re now married!
    Just kidding. We broke up.

    • Hanna K.
      Hanna K. 4 months ago +1


    • Wendy S
      Wendy S 4 months ago

      God bless you, and congratulations.

    • ThatGirl Ahyawnah
      ThatGirl Ahyawnah 5 months ago


    • lm119 lm119
      lm119 lm119 10 months ago

      I clicked "like" before "Read more." Good one, I'll keep it liked. lol

    • Nour Abbas
      Nour Abbas 10 months ago


  • Jer 1967
    Jer 1967 4 months ago +11

    Absolutely brilliant! One of the most interesting, informative, enlightening...and entertaining...talks I've seen in a very long time! Never heard of this guy before now, but I'm an instant fan!

  • Travis Edward
    Travis Edward 4 months ago +18

    i always have told people that love needs to be taught like mathematics and english in schools it feels good to know people in the world feel the same

    • Elodie N / INTJ Analyzes
      Elodie N / INTJ Analyzes 4 months ago +2

      And me thinking : MBTI/cognitives functions/personalities types should be taught in schools or in life too.
      We are all differents, once you understood this, you are already a better person. Be benevolent. 💙

    • Henry Kujawa
      Henry Kujawa 4 months ago

      That also goes for manners, ethics, etc.

    • Glenn Andric
      Glenn Andric 4 months ago +1

      Well said...I'm one more who feels the same.

  • Minh Trang
    Minh Trang 2 days ago

    This man is brilliant. So many knowledge in a 22min speech. Thank you so much for uploading this

  • Sebastian Franck
    Sebastian Franck 12 days ago

    Some of my takeaways/notes from this marvellous talk:
    (and by the way, changing the speed to x0,75 helped a lot - this guy talks FAST)
    - Many of us will not find the right person, but a good enough person
    - It takes a long time for us to realize that we are not easy to live with
    - Addiction is any behaviour that serves to keep you away from yourself
    - Love : I’m vulnerable before you
    - Love is to have the willingness to interpret someones, on the surface, not very appealing behaviour - in order to find more benevolent reasons why it may be unfolding
    - In other words, to love someone is to apply charity and generosity of interpretation
    - The core of love is the willingness to interpret another’s behaviour
    - Maturity is the ability to see that there are no heroes or sinners in human beings
    - Adulthood, true psychological maturity, is the capacity to realize that anyone that you love is going to be this mixture of good and bad (that we tend to categorize things and people into)
- So love is not just admiration for strength, it’s also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence
    - Follow your heart is the taught mantra of love
    - You can’t think too much, you can only ever think too badly
    - We live in a romantic culture that privileges impulse
    - We think we’re out to find partners who will make us happy, but were not, we’re out to find partners who will feel familiar, and that may be a very different thing, because familiarity may be bound up with particular kinds of torture
    - We’re not merely on a quest to be happy, we’re on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar
    - If you do not explain you cannot be understood
    - «What we need to do is to accept that the other person is going to want to educate us, and that it isn’t a criticism, criticism is merely the wrong word that we apply to a much nobler idea, which is to try and make us into better versions of ourselves.. but we tend to reject this idea very strongly
    - «Punishing perfectionism»
    - To be in company with another person is to be negotiating imperfection every day
    - Incompatibility: we are all incompatible, but it is the work of love, to make us graciously accommodate each other, and ourselves, to each others incompatibilities, and therefore compatibility is an achievement of love, it isn’t what you need from the outset, of course you’re not going to be completely compatible - it is not the point - it is through love, that you gradually accept the need to be compatible.

  • AutmnRa
    AutmnRa 4 months ago +3

    I like how he connects a lot of things back to childhood. I feel that my children's father's are literally half of them. And I was not able to deal with those men. But now I am forced to deal with them through my children's attitudes habits etc. I have to learn to change my reactions and my responses to them through my kids. Regardless if I hated them in the past, I have to love that other half of my child , which is him. (Thank God I'm not with them anymore though lmao)

  • Rosewater Petals
    Rosewater Petals 4 months ago +18

    I wasn't ready for the amount of wisdom this speaker hit me with.

  • Power of Gospel Church
    Power of Gospel Church 3 months ago +6

    A very wise older woman told me when I was young there are 2 things you need to have in common to have a successful marriage … same sense of humour and the same faith.

    • Ms SD N
      Ms SD N 2 months ago +1

      The same views on finances is very high up there for me, faith not so much

    • Jack of all Spades
      Jack of all Spades 3 months ago

      I disagree on faith

  • Christine
    Christine 4 months ago +8

    Fantastic this is so spot on! It would be great to do a video exploring why living an independent life and choosing not to marry might be a good decision for many people, it still seems that theres an unhealthy emphasis on coupledom. I've tried marriage, and long term relationships, and not found it difficult to compromise and make it work, but on balance I'm equally happy and often happier between relationships its sad so many people put up with difficult lives just to keep up appearances and stay in relationships that can be really draining. We are not only complex we are also strong, adaptable, independent, and very capable of living happily married, unmarried, in a relationship, or on our own.

    • Katya
      Katya 2 months ago

      Genuinely curious--if you found it easy to compromise and make a relationship work, then why did it not work?

  • dot
    dot Year ago +2979

    "Love is a skill. A skill that need to be learned. And a skill that our society refuses to consider as a skill"

    • im a person not a number
      im a person not a number 9 months ago

      its all primeval urges, lest not forget, why do we need to learn? friend said recently, were all looking the wrong way.

    • im a person not a number
      im a person not a number 9 months ago

      why do we 'need'

    • im a person not a number
      im a person not a number 9 months ago

      @Ron Dameron xx we're all a work in progress, or not??? lol, we overcomplicate stuff, bring captain caveman back...

    • Ron Dameron
      Ron Dameron 9 months ago +1

      @im a person not a number So true, conscious awareness of one's self. And also, appreciating yourself... I'm still working on it, Lol

    • im a person not a number
      im a person not a number 9 months ago +1

      its emotions that are a skilll

  • Kevin Jackson
    Kevin Jackson 4 months ago +13

    Whenever I talk to younger people about the concept of picking a future spouse, I tell them is no "right" person. That is romantic comedy reality, not reality-reality. The MOST important thing by far is shared values and goals, meaning you need to define your values and goals. Next, it's largely based on your dedication to the concept of marriage and family (and likewise your understanding that divorce is to be avoided unless absolutely necessary--e.g. ongoing serious abuse). People now are quite selfish, shallow, and short-sided, but they think of themselves as the opposite. On top of that, they have unrealistic expectations, they covet what they think other people have, and they see divorce as an easy option. And all of this is promoted by the establishment culture, and trying to promote wisdom by speaking against these traits is framed as 'close-minded' and 'judgmental.' So wisdom is lost.

    • Lucy Koelle
      Lucy Koelle 3 months ago

      I do agree respect the communication is essential forva relationship as well as emotional vulnerability.

    • Lucy Koelle
      Lucy Koelle 3 months ago

      I don't believe romantic relationships are effortless, or than perfection can happen between two people. I can accept there's no one person who will be the one for you. I do believe that it is good and right to have dela breakers and standards, so long as you accept their consequences, and it is also a good idea to review and go over them. I don't believe not every divorced couple where there wasn't abuse are spoiled brats. I don't believe selfishness and shortsightedness are a new or so much more this generation. Shakespeare had Orlando saying current values are for selfishness and compassionate service is old-fashioned. Financial dependence and scorn, I believe kept some people in miserable relationships, because women feared they'd be on the streets if they divorced, and I don't want to live that way.

    • Glenn Andric
      Glenn Andric 4 months ago +5

      I think you're pretty much spot on! I'm surprised you don't have more likes, even after just two days.

  • AmeliaKC173
    AmeliaKC173 4 months ago +17

    This is how I feel a lot of the time. There is no perfect person to marry. So long as they’re tolerable and make you happy more than 50% of the time lol

  • Coorg Valley
    Coorg Valley 4 months ago +42

    I had always argued that almost every one in tail end of their life only expressed regret as they hardly understood human life which is not natural but cultural. Those who do not have the essence of philosophy and psychology will always regret . 🙏🙏🙏🙏This presentation is an amazing peace work to stay enlightened in marriage.

    • Riley Cook
      Riley Cook Day ago

      @Jason 🤣🤣🤣

    • Riley Cook
      Riley Cook Day ago

      @Jason that's one of the best insults I've read in a while, hats off

    • Jason
      Jason 4 months ago +3

      @Glenn Andric Now I want to start posting poorly worded nonsensical things in the comments section just to see what happens. Maybe I'll even wear a nice suit and tie in my avatar picture so people think I'm saying something wise and philosophical.

    • Glenn Andric
      Glenn Andric 4 months ago +3

      @Jason Me too Jason; I don't understand Coorg Valley's comment either and I'm sure we're not alone. Maybe he or someone can rephrase it in a way we two dummies can understand, ha ha.

    • Jason
      Jason 4 months ago +5

      I read this 5 times and still can't wrap my head around what you're saying. I'm envious of the 40 people who liked your comment who didn't seem to have the same problem..

  • gem
    gem 2 months ago

    I feel like I've learned a lifetime worth of knowledge on love and relationships in those few minutes!!

  • Qwerty pewp
    Qwerty pewp Year ago +1554

    You can't marry the wrong person if you never marry.
    *Modern problems require modern solutions*

    • L. Christine Jones
      L. Christine Jones 4 months ago

      "If you don't want to smell garbage, just stop breathing!" Problem solved 💯! ...said no one ever.

    • D H1
      D H1 8 months ago +2

      @Kerstin Bandner we all die alone..

    • D H1
      D H1 8 months ago

      @Niki Stephenson you can leave and take all of what you own with you.. men often lose 70% in divorce.. marriage doesn't make sense.

    • nessy ness
      nessy ness Year ago

      @LD 50 they wrong tho, my uncle has never married and he is perfectly happy. I would say the happiest of his siblings cause he does what he wants, when he wants to, doesn't argue with anyone, still has the warmth of family because he has us and my mother and other uncle, and my grandma, and can dedicate to travel the world in his free times and to the job he adores.

    • nessy ness
      nessy ness Year ago +1

      @Tyris Maxey yep, better alone that in bad company.

  • Susana Meza
    Susana Meza 3 months ago +2

    I keep coming back to this video, such a clear reminder on how to strengthen love and respect the other(s)

  • artificium
    artificium 3 months ago +1

    I always hope for my relationships to be like my friendships, because my friends have tended to stay longer and are more accepting and I think this is because there's less pressure coming from my hopefulness for them to stay. In other words it's much easier to have secure attachments with friends. Intimate partners don't always seem so forthcoming with their reassurances on whether or not they'll stick around, maybe because we consider ourselves to have less room for partners than friends, maybe for someone, there is only one spot to fill for that role, maybe only 3, whereas friends can be limitless.
    Also, the point beginning at 13:10 is so on point. They're "someone who will not be able to make us suffer in the way that we need to suffer in order to feel that love is real". Ugh I feel like a common manifestation of this is always being available.

  • Jay L
    Jay L 4 months ago +8

    Holy shit that was brilliant! It explains why I chose to be single (and, therefore, happier) in this life. I’m gonna pass this on to my nieces and nephews.

  • M N
    M N 4 months ago +7

    With this rather informative but sweet talk, you abolished some very serious problems in people's behavior like narcissistic rage, like narcissistic wanting others to read their mind, like irritation with marrying an idiot which is marrying inducer of guilt and you did nobody a favor, you just minimized serious problems that need to be seriously addressed. Is it really good enough, or is it really good to say that it is as it is and probably not even good enough most of the time, but let truth liberate us? Nothing can grow in pairs called pathologies bonding. Stop looking for a solution for mediocrity in mediocrity, because the solution is never where the problem is. Good point about differently responding but who will respond differently if they are bonded in the sameness and familiarity?

    • M N
      M N 4 months ago

      @solene Heinzl You're welcome :)

    • solene Heinzl
      solene Heinzl 4 months ago +1

      Thank you for this ! I was feeling exactly the same as I was listening to the talk. Amazing talk but I was waiting the whole time for the caveat about harming behaviour that never ever came. THANK YOU.

  • Spartacus
    Spartacus 10 months ago +1342

    I haven't seen my ex-wife in person for almost a decade. We message each-other every now and then, but I've had plenty of time to reflect and self-search. I knew she was the right one when we got married, and I haven't changed my mind yet. I was the wrong person, so to speak. The person I WAS was the wrong person. Impulsive, irresponsible, morally untrained, and emotionally undisciplined. Toxic, narcissistic, NOT "marriage material". Just moved out of mom and dad's across the country, and I get to do MAN things now!! Ugh...
    A lot has changed in a decade. I think about the things I did, how I acted and reacted... I'm embarrassed of the person I was, but it shows me that I've learned, changed and bettered myself as a man. I paid dearly for the wisdom I gained. I may never have another chance at marriage with "The One" but I can at least be more like the man she'd give a second chance to.

    • Glenn Andric
      Glenn Andric 2 months ago +1

      Spartacus...I admire your brutal honesty. You've obviously done a ton of inner work and for that you should be very proud of yourself. I wonder about your "upbringing" though. Those negative attributes you mention - toxic, narcissism, etc. "happened for a reason" as everything does. I hope you didn't beat yourself up too much. It sounds to me like you may have been a victim of circumstances beyond your control at the time. (And victims victimize, don't they)? I hope you've completely forgiven and learned to love yourself unconditionally. Whatever direction your life takes you, I hope you find the peace and contentment you've so clearly earned.

    • Callisto000
      Callisto000 4 months ago

      That’s very beautifully said.. to be the one they can give a second chance to.. my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, I too believe that he is The One for me.. but he said that he realized that at this moment, and until the foreseeable future, we weren’t moving in the same direction as a couple because every action that he took was more oriented towards him and his career.. My pain is very fresh and bleeding, but I can’t help but hope that in the future we will come together again, as more evolved and mature people ❤️😞

    • Spartacus
      Spartacus 5 months ago +1

      @Jayne Paige Of course I have. She said she appreciated my apology and politely ended the conversation. It's something I'm leaving up to her to revisit when she's ready.

    • Jayne Paige
      Jayne Paige 5 months ago +1

      I hope you apologised to her for your behaviour .

    • vicki redfeather
      vicki redfeather 5 months ago

      Narcissus . .always look for someone to feed them!! A supply chain both emotional , financial, and very draining. No way would i give you second chance!! Glad u know yourself .

  • Sgt Mom
    Sgt Mom 4 months ago +79

    I was “the wrong person”. I’m still married after 48 years, and it utterly breaks my heart to admit it after decades of denying it, but…my husband should have married “ the other one”. She died of cancer at a very young age or I would have stepped aside once our youngest son was of age. It’s been a horrifying and heartbreaking realization. We’ve built a nice life together and raised three great kids. It’s selfish of me to admit I would rather have lived my entire life loving someone who didn’t love me, than to have lived my life loved by someone I didn’t. I wish we’d both found life long love instead of life long tolerance, duty and responsibility.

    • Sgt Mom
      Sgt Mom 4 months ago

      @Chris M You didn’t read a word I said. Don’t say you did. Not sure if the concept is too complicated you can’t help jumping to a more common concept. Your comfort zone won’t allow you to “hear” what I’m saying. Obviously it’s not a circumstance you’ll ever find yourself in. I married the right person for me. I love him today as I did then. I would only leave if he asked.
      Stories of unrequited love aren’t that uncommon.
      Rejected people marry other while still carrying the torch for the person who rejected them. Happens all the time. The poor soul who was 2nd choice at least knows they were the better person, whatever good it does them.
      It’s unusual, however, when two people who were right for each other end up married to others. In my case, by a huge misunderstanding that was realized way too late.
      I met my husband serving in the military. He was far from home, friends or family. Her husband was a Brazilian millionaire who met her as a “ stewardess” back when that was a glamor job. Neither of us had any knowledge of their past relationship. I was told she went out with other guys while he was overseas and her betrayal ended things. She was now “ just a friend of the family”. The weird attachment never made sense until years later, I finally realized she’d gone out with a couple of guys he despised to make him jealous, rush back home and “ save” her from her foolishness. Something stupid a very young girl would do.
      I just found it annoying she kept in close contact with my mother and sister in law, she lived lavishly abroad with her rich husband. They were always filling us in on her latest adventures while we were barely scraping by. When we announced our wedding, she announced hers. Every pregnancy announcement was soon followed by her’s - even our 5 years later “ oops” baby was soon followed by hers. It went from annoying to irritating.
      I used to wish she’d ….disappear.
      Then came word she was diagnosed with cancer.
      Then terminal cancer…and her parents were in a scramble to sell off their property holdings to pay for treatment. Her husband no longer wished to be part of her life.
      Now she’s gone, but it doesn’t feel much different.

    • Chris M
      Chris M 4 months ago +1

      @Sgt Mom there again you project your feeling to your husband. Maybe your husband loved you too.....anyway you re giving a vibe that you did not love your husband and you stayed because of kids (not for love ) which is honourable, human and common.

    • Sgt Mom
      Sgt Mom 4 months ago

      @Chris M …or your comprehension skills are lacking? I said I’d rather have loved, which is what I did. I could never marry someone I didn’t love. I don’t understand people who do. I’ve repeated that…repeatedly. You’re trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. If you’re committing so much energy to this, why don’t you take a moment and read ALL what I said. Just takes a minute. You aren’t the only person trying to retrofit the story. Put your confirmation bias aside a minute, maybe you’ll get it.

    • Chris M
      Chris M 4 months ago +2

      @Sgt Mom here again from your post " it is selfish of me to admit I would rather have lived my entire life loving someone who didn't love me, than to have lived my life loved by someone I didn't."....... You really did forget your story 😂😂😂

    • Sgt Mom
      Sgt Mom 4 months ago

      @Chris M Where does it say I did not love my husband? You read one sentence then concluded you know my story better than I? More likely you read one fragment of a sentence, concluded it with the most common, typical conclusion, then weighed in with the common, typical advice? It’s probably helpful for someone else. If I didn’t love my husband, trust me - I wouldn’t take 48 years to do something about it. My husband is the most loved person on earth. If you’d read my comments you’d know that.

  • Margarita Torina
    Margarita Torina 4 months ago

    Loved this video! Gratitudes for sharing your wisdom. I do have a comment on compromise. It is debatable that compromising will help you be at peace, but not compromising will help you achieve your true potential.
    However, hearing the last quote makes me want to say "Compromise and you will regret it, don't compromise and you will regret it, either way, you are neither right nor wrong"
    Thank you!

  • pum gotti
    pum gotti 4 months ago +15

    The person I love didn't fit my "type", in fact she also has very little, but some traits I don't like. We became friends though because we were able to bare eachother. So why not? Then after some years of us being friends, we both came to the conclusion that we wanted more, so then we made it happen. We both say we're perfect, but we both know that neither of us are perfect. Little things like how I wake up early and she wakes up late, all the way to how I hate almost all the foods she likes which still annoys me, and she hates all the foods I like. I have different ideas of dates and different tastes in media such as songs, videos, and shows. Not to mention I like dressing differently than what she wants me to. But yet, we still love each other. She's just like my mother in almost every way . It's weird to think about.

  • Nancy Alexander-Carreira
    Nancy Alexander-Carreira 4 months ago +1

    Been married four times and have come to the conclusion that I never should have married in the first place. Thank you, Alain!

  • minah
    minah 10 months ago +1600

    "love is not a feeling, it's a skill, a skill you need to learn" i've never had this much of respect for anyone before.

    • coreycox2345
      coreycox2345 4 months ago

      @Donna Darantinao I feel a kind of love for someone I have known for years that would have nothing to do with that if he had a partner. It is a fondness for his intellect and (often) sense of humor. I have never met anyone like him. It has nothing to do with hormones.

    • coreycox2345
      coreycox2345 4 months ago

      @tim johnson and not flee it.

    • jeff forsythe
      jeff forsythe 4 months ago

      Love and hate go together like up and down, hot and cold, fast and slow, rich and poor. But is one removes emotion, one finds compassion........................falun dafa

    • coreycox2345
      coreycox2345 4 months ago

      @Donna Darantinao If you still have love left without that, it is, most likely.

    • coreycox2345
      coreycox2345 4 months ago

      @jeff forsythe Agape love is compassion, so love can be divine. It takes work to achieve and is mostly unattainable.

  • rick15666
    rick15666 4 months ago

    This is absolute genius. I’d like to learn more about specifically 1. what age(s) in childhood are most impressionable in terms of what one will seek in adulthood 2. what are the most common “issues” in childhood that have the most common potentially negative/disruptive impact in adult partner selection 3. Is the only solution to just see a therapist whom are skilled at prying out any/all childhood traumas, in order to work through them? What is one supposed to do if they don’t really remember their childhood on the whole, best way to open up a “line” to all the things an adult must see/acknowledge/revisit from childhood, in order to at the very least be aware of them, in order to change our response to the adult “type” we’ve become?

  • Emily Jane Blossom
    Emily Jane Blossom 3 months ago +1

    he is incredibly wise. i am so happy so many people have watched this. i feel like this should be shown in schools.

  • Michele Maliano
    Michele Maliano 7 days ago

    The problem with love is that it is different each one of us. So when I say I love you it means what I have learned what it means based on my life experience. When you say you love me, it’s something different based on your life experiences. When a person gaslights you, they believe they are loving you, based on that life experience. We need to breakdown the code. When you love someone tell them what it is about them that brought on that feeling and what those feelings look like. For example: if my daughter was out and thought about me and brought me home my favorite ice cream. I would tell her that her thinking of me when I wasn’t there warmed my heart and that’s one of the things I love about you. Love in deed, not in words; say I love you without using the words I love you.

  • Taylor
    Taylor 3 months ago

    This is so true. I love my fiance because he helps me to grow into my better version, but in the beginning it always appeared to be attacks when he should accept me for myself. I was so dumb when it came to love when we first started dating but now I feel like a professor 🤓

  • Pennykanyaucat
    Pennykanyaucat 2 years ago +1010

    "To love someone is to apply charity, and generosity of interpretation.." What an immensely helpful statement.

    • Sonya Vincent
      Sonya Vincent Year ago +1

      @Yemisi Aderuku no she died 26 years ago. I adored her at the time, only slowly realised in the years since how profoundly damaged she was, as I processed how she had always acted with me. At the time I had no role model of normal parenting so I was swept up in her nonsense.

    • Yemisi Aderuku
      Yemisi Aderuku Year ago

      But not with an insecured person

    • Yemisi Aderuku
      Yemisi Aderuku Year ago +1

      @Sonya Vincent is she still alive
      Sorry about that, parent urself and move on with ur life while u heal

    • Sonya Vincent
      Sonya Vincent Year ago +1

      My mother was actively jealous of me and tried to undermine me all my life.

    • Gigi Zuzu
      Gigi Zuzu Year ago +4

      The problem with this is that you could apply "generosity of interpretation" or in other words give your partner the benefit of the doubt until the day of your death while you are being taken advantage of and expected to apply exactly that with them so they can get away with anything. And once you realize that it's one sided and that this great characteristic of yours is abused and exploited you know you married the wrong person. Not as bad as you, worse.

  • Linda Walker
    Linda Walker 4 months ago +2

    Awesome and much appreciated, gave me insight to the insanity that I experience in relationships and hopefully
    I won't have to look any further.

  • Jared Jones
    Jared Jones 4 months ago +4

    What he says at 13:00 about finding certain potential partners "boring" is spot on. That was echoed in a book about Borderline Personality Disorder I read that stated, if you were abused as a child and you DON'T want a partner who will abuse you, it's simple: All you have to do is seek out a partner you find BORING and marry them. I'm not sure if he read the same book, but it's interesting to see that statement repeated here.

    • Katya
      Katya 2 months ago

      This may be true for people with unhealthy backgrounds, but those who have healthy backgrounds can be unexcited by someone for the right reasons, ie it's not the kind of energy and approach to life they want in a partner, the way they think is boring, etc.

    • Anne Montgomery
      Anne Montgomery 4 months ago

      Same with secure attachments. People with secure attachments don't play games while dating. So it all feels plain because there's no "omg do they like me?!" Because they already told you they did or did not. That's the kind you absolutely look for.

  • Figaro Hey!
    Figaro Hey! 5 months ago

    I absolutely remember making the shift to divided emotions about my mother. I remember feeling that I loved and hated my mother at the same time, and I remember remembering that 'before' I didn't feel split like that.

  • Old Turkey
    Old Turkey 3 months ago +1

    Are these from your personal experiences? When you find the one, you'll recognize it at once. You don't need months or years of relationship to figure. The feeling is soooo strong... you want to marry him/her and spend the rest of your life with the person. You'll only understand what I'm saying when you found him/her.

  • versace.internet
    versace.internet 2 years ago +12494

    "Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist." - George Carlin

    • Ol' Drippy
      Ol' Drippy 3 months ago

      Damn, what a quote.

    • Scarletti Web
      Scarletti Web 3 months ago

      George Carlin was possibly the smartest man ever. I wish I could hear what he'd have to say about EVERYTHING that's going on in this world today.

    • Canem Cave
      Canem Cave 4 months ago

      hate is disappointed love

    • David Zwicker
      David Zwicker 4 months ago

      @???? buckle up 😅

  • Tom Puglisi
    Tom Puglisi 4 months ago

    Bravo, well said, if we all learnt this valuable knowledge as teens , we would have had [or have] much better relationships as adults.

  • AlinaTowers
    AlinaTowers Month ago

    Great message in today’s “I deserve to be happy” culture!

  • Giovannelli S.
    Giovannelli S. 4 months ago +6

    The fact that the majority of people laughed when he said ‘transform rage into sadness’
    shows that the majority of people don’t understand a lot about themselves or about how psychology works. And that really saddens me.
    Until you’re focusing yourself on anger you focus on what’s wrong about the world around you but when you stop and feel sadness about yourself you can find real growth to move past it.

  • custom bikes and trikes
    custom bikes and trikes 4 months ago +7

    And don't forget how you were raised has a lot to do with it. Most of us will go through up to three marriages before we realize how we don't want to be treated anymore. I'm staring down the barrel of a possible third and I've come to realize if I'm going to marry somebody again I want it to be my best friend who knows everything about every fiber of my existence including the good the bad and the ugly. This way you don't have to do a crap shoot and hope you get lucky finding a woman who will tolerate you and you tolerate her.

    • custom bikes and trikes
      custom bikes and trikes 4 months ago +2

      Yes I know that's pretty much the normal experience, if it's a very rare person you have found and getting to know them will not be normal. My particular case of knowing this girl as a teenager and then lost her for 20 plus years. We both have been married two times and have not been treated well during those marriages. We know exactly how we don't want to treat each other if there was a third marriage. Not only that, the getting to know us process has been very extensive. We're usually on the phone and some form every single day for the last 6 months and sometimes for hours on end. We've dug past the cute, the normal, the awkward, skeletons in the closet and some of the most painful examinations of ourselves. Communication is the only foundation that's worth it. If you don't have that you won't make it. You have to be willing to really look at yourselves deeply and not always in a good light to understand exactly what you're up against. It's going to suck and you're going to hate a lot of it but if you can find a person who's willing to do it to themselves and help you shed light on your personality and all that makes it up, then grab that person and never let go. And build up that communication to the highest level you possibly can and then maintain it. Good luck!

    • T
      T 4 months ago +1

      It will still be a crap shoot people put on a facade until they feel like you won't be going anywhere...I have had this in ever single relationship so just take what you get at face value and cut it in half lol.

  • TheInt3rn3t
    TheInt3rn3t 2 years ago +4770

    This video raised my maturity level by 50 years

    • DeAnn Begaye
      DeAnn Begaye 4 months ago


    • Jen Ynz
      Jen Ynz 4 months ago

      @stardustgirl Borderline personality disorder. There's also attachment disorders and such.

    • stardustgirl
      stardustgirl 4 months ago

      @Jen Ynz I'm not sure what disorder you mean?

    • Jen Ynz
      Jen Ynz 4 months ago

      @stardustgirl I think some of us have been more hopeless than others. I personally have a disorder that makes all these issues skewed, so it spoke volumes to me. There are many others with this disorder.

  • Christina K
    Christina K 3 months ago

    A friend called this mind-reading fallacy "glass-head-syndrome", which is something that's stuck with me forever. Which, once you can master falling into that with your friends, gives you about 500 steps up on anything romantic. (IMO)

  • Brenda Drew
    Brenda Drew 7 days ago

    I love what the French and Parisian women say and learn from the time they're little at their mother's knees! "It never ends well., You either go through a break up after an affair, get married and then divorce or become a widow or widower, so enjoy it while it lasts if you can! They're very pragmatic about the whole thing and their culture and history is bound by stories about love, l'amour, l'amour! We see that in most of their famous French films, complicated romantic relationships and also toxic dysfunctional family systems. I was married for 42 years until death did us part. Actually love being single again and free to be me. Been there, done that so I don't feel the need to go through that again. Have loving children and grandchildren and friends, and as a professional artist/former retired NYC fashion illustrator/floral designer and now painter of impressionist/lyrical abstract expressionist paintings and paintings in the tradition of the late great British painter John William Waterhouse, and a pianist/composer , I love solitude and always have like most artists! The need for peace and quiet in order to create! The arts are food for the soul and enrich all of our lives if we're open to it.

  • NeglectedField
    NeglectedField 4 months ago +1

    "You cannot have perfection and company; to be in company with another person is to be negotiating imperfection every day". Yep, learned that for sure.